What's my line?

I have been feeling very condemned in my prayer life lately. It seems whenever I bow my head for some one else, I have a laundry list of my own "needs" that I feel compelled to blurt out before the Father. I enjoy praying for others but I haven't really been focused on them.

I was watching a video clip by Kirk Cameron & Ray Comfort this evening. From that I started thinking about my prayers. Most of my prayers are to have God make my life easier or less painful. With the problems I have been having with my stump, I felt these were all justified prayers for healing. But are they? Or am I just foolish enough to think that my comfort is the reason Christ came to die?

What should I be bringing before God? Shouldn't I pray for endurance? Shouldn't I pray for opportunities to show His glory through my suffering? THEN, if it be His will, pray for healing? Only if the healing were to bring Him more glory than the suffering.

So there I am. Pus-filled boot (TEC liner) and all. At the feet of the cross, wondering...what's my line?

Look what I can do!

Because my house doesn't have enough half-finished craft projects & scrapbook clutter, I decided I should take up crocheting. As a middle-aged, Southern woman I felt it was my duty to do so. After all, isn't that what middle-aged, Southern women do?

My grandfather was in the hospital Sunday & Monday. I was going to visit him on Monday. Since the hospital was over an hour away from my house, I thought I should take several things to occupy my time. I took a book (Don Quixote - don't ask my why I checked it out; I still have no idea, but there it is), my travel Bible (small, compact & very useful) and a drink (Diet Mt Dew because I should stay awake while I'm visiting someone in the hospital, right?).

I decide I needed one other item/amusement so I ran up to the store Sunday evening to get something else to take with me. As I searched the aisles for something to do I saw cards - no good if Pawpaw isn't feeling up to playing with me. I saw crosswords & word-finds but that seemed too involved. Then I wandered into the craft section.

There I saw a starter set, complete with 5 hooks, some marking doo-dads, a pack of some kind of I-don't-know-what-they-are's, a pair of children's needles & a book: I Taught Myself to Crochet. A-ha! I'll just learn myself to do that! Visiting a sick relative and learning a new hobby, what a talented & compassionate granddaughter I am. Everyone will be so impressed.

My relatives, however, were not as supportive as I'd hoped when I told them I was going to try to make my friend a hooded baby blanket...by Thursday....My uncle Robert laughed & said, "Sure. You'll get that done in no time, right?"

My uncle Marcus giggled a bit, but was at least not completely disapproving of the idea of my at least trying.

My grandfather, for whom I had travelled 75 miles to comfort mind you!, just smiled & said, "Sure you can..."

Traitors, the lot! Well I showed them, hmphf! Lay your eyes on this fine piece of artistic tapestry...

Ok, so maybe I won't get the blanket done. But it does make a lovely bookmark, don't you agree? :o)

My grandfather is fine, by the way. He was released from the hospital with a satisfactory report of "everything's normal". Thank you, Jesus.

Handicapped? You betcha!

I found something interesting about the word "handicap" at wikipedia.com. According to Wikipedia's source, to handicap means: "a more experienced player is disadvantaged in order to make it possible for a less experienced player to participate in the game or sport whilst maintaining fairness."

I think I like that explanation.

Another source states, "Did you know that when a racing horse is a consistent winner he is made to carry extra weights in each race in order to give the other horses a chance to win. This is called 'handicapping'."

I really like that explanation.

Handicapped isn't a terrible thing. It's a different thing. Different isn't necessarily bad now is it?

[a hush falls over the crowd]

I got a name

On the hunt for a new name, I thought about the reasons behind my writing this blog in the first place. A long time ago, I was crippled. I lost my leg & almost my life. Doctors told my family that the chances for my survival were slim at best. If I did make it, they said I would not be able to walk & could be unable to talk because of the trauma. But I got better.

I was mistreated as a child & youngster. Life knocked me down a lot. But I got back up.

I made poor choices. I followed foolish whims, was ruled by stubborn pride. That caused me to stumble, but I stood again.

I decided that the best name for the blog should be "Still Standing". Not in the Elton John sort of way but in the Proverbs 24:16 sort of way. "For though a righteous man falls seven times, he rises again, but the wicked are brought down by calamity."

I know in whom I have believed and he keeps me going day after day.

The Heart of a Princess

Jesus Christ, my Lord, my Savior,

How often do I come,

And offer up my feeble plea

For you to make right some wrong?

And how many times, dear Abba, my father

Do I bring like a child before you,

My heart, broken again, like some tattered old toy

To once more be made anew?

Even more so, do I run straight to you,

My Wonderful, Wise Counselor

And proudly display selfish wants and desires

Quite certain, them, you will assure?

So frequently, my Prince of perfect Peace,

Do you so patiently hear,

As I cry out in pain and shout in anger,

My mind in the grips of some fear?

Yet how seldom it is, though each tear is kept

In a bottle so none are lost,

That I humbly bow in sheer adoration

And Thank You for Calvary’s cross?

So today and always, that I never forget

Your love has paid my way,

I praise you for being Lord of Lords, King of Kings,

Alpha, Omega, my Stay.

I Hold On...

In the summer of 2002, I received the biggest blow to my emotional well-being that I have ever felt. It stung in the depths of my soul. It hurt...deeply. I still have not fully recovered from that moment in my life.

Recently I read something that was meant to bring healing & comfort, but to me it brought out anger, tears & pain. In response, I did what I always do. I wrote out my feelings on the matter. I was comforted by the motions of the act of writing it out, but God also used the words to heal a part of me that I could never reach. He is making me whole, again.

Betrayed. Bitterness hangs on that word like a veil of frustrated love. Why? Why did he turn away when I needed him to be strong? Why does everyone turn away from me?

"Read the blog & learn how to help a friend who’s grieving?" What about helping me? Where are my “friends”? Who will help me grieve? The same person that has helped me grieve every other loss…me…

I will not let this keep me from you, O God. I will not let this separate my heart from the root of my existence. You call to me & I run to You with feet that seem made of iron. The current of anger, bitterness, jealousy, loneliness, pulls me under time & time again & yet…I still hear your voice. Whenever my shattered heart breaks through to the surface once more, there is the Son. The buoy I use to navigate this raging water. I keep my ear turned to Your voice…and I hold on… With every thing that is in me… I hold on…

What's in a Name?

I have been playing around with templates & layouts, trying to find something that is really "me". I like this one. It's a nice color palette; not too obtrusive, not too bland.

I've also tried on a couple more names. The original just didn't seem to fit the language of the posts. I may try another blog later to speak my heart, dedicated to daily devotions. Right now, this one needs to speak my mind so it should be simpler, more accessible, even a bit silly - like me.

So I need some help. I don't know what to name this blog. Anyone that may have something creative to aid me in my name-search, please web it this way.

My place in this world...

Having survived a childhood accident in what can only be described as "miraculous intervention", I have spent the better part of my life wondering why God spared me. I mean, I think I'm a pretty fantastic person, but that in itself is really no reason to explain why I was given this time to grow, learn, love & ???. And what? That blank space drives me crazy sometimes.

What am I here for? I know God loves each of us & we each have a "mission" that is just ours. I always thought mine would be something huge because of the way I was saved from the fire. Yet, all I could ever muster was mildly mediocre, or worse, massive failure.

Several Scriptures have been my best friends during this searching. One of them I found recently in an unlikely place...the anointing of Saul as first King of Israel. Now Saul was a great man. He was anointed by Samuel to become something greater. In 1 Samuel 10, Samuel tells Saul all the things that will happen after Saul leaves him. In 1 Samuel 10:7, Samuel says to Saul, "Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you."

He had his plan in front of him & off he went, blindly into the kingship, not looking back at the map of God's word again. Sounds familiar to me...How many times have I said to God, "Just point me in the direction you want me to go & I'll handle the rest!"

Saul did the same thing.

I don't want to be like Saul.

Today's verse speaks into my heart that I don't have to know what the plan is. I only need to trust that there is a plan and that that plan is something I could not do all on my own. I trust God to guide me as I search His word daily for direction. I wait each day to see what God would have me to do, which way I should turn, how far I should travel.

I know that there is a plan & I don't have to know it. I just have to "do whatever [my] hand finds to do". Right now, that happens to be an all-but-insurmountable mound of laundry.

Lord, help me!

Thursday is "the new Monday"...oh goody

Monday passed relatively quietly this week. There was not much rushing around to finish up things left-over from last week's To-Do list. Hmm...I should've been suspicious then, huh?

Tuesday was relatively uneventful. Again, no flashing lights or sirens to warn me what was to come.

Wednesday picked up some speed.

Then Thursday blew in like a tornado ridin' an angry, wild Rhino......

When I awoke to the ring of my telephone, I should have known to just unplug it & crawl back into bed until Friday. Friday, my husband is home to help me filter out the less important tasks & accomplish the more necessary ones. But no, I chose to answer and in so doing, unleashed a torrent of busy-ness to attend to all day.

At least I was able to crawl into the Bible for a few minutes before my children woke up and reminded me how wonderful it is to be a mom to a 3 & 1/2 year-old & a newly-turned 5 year-old (who thinks she's GROWN!). Work, housework, kids, errands, hospitality, serving...it all adds up to one crazy day.

Yet these are the very things that make life livable. This is what I prayed for as long as I can remember. These 2 beautiful babies, a home free from anger & cruelty, a chance to help others, all of this has been entrusted to me.

So I can't walk today. I guess my dining room floor won't get mopped...darn. I really am glad I don't find my identity in the bottom of a dirty mop bucket. I guess I'll have to enjoy the sound of my girls' laughter instead.

So, Hey there, Thursday! I'm still standing & I'm still praising God!

Dear Jesus, Thank you for the strength to tackle one more day. Thank you for my family. Thank you for my home and the love contained within these walls. Amen.

Deep breath, heavy sigh...

Great! I'm a genius. Hold the applause til the end though, please.

Remember the new prosthesis I was so excited about getting last week? You remember? The one that pushed the 27 year-old UPS man into early-really-early, retirement? Well, I thought I could put it on and do everything I had been unable to for the past 4 days.

I was wrong.

Kind of like new shoes, you really shouldn't just jump into a new leg & take off running (no pun intended). You should wear it a little while & get used to how it fits. Then, wear it a little longer & so on & so forth.

Anywho, I had neglected the household chores quite long enough so I wore it almost 20 hours straight...Need I continue? Why not? Suffice it to say, that's not a wise choice to make.

So now I have this blister that hurts like the dickens and it's right across the tip of the stump. What's a girl to do? I have to leave it off [again] for a few [more] days to let that spot heal [crap!]. That means, the household chores will again back-up or I will have to allow my husband to do them...darn :o)

UPS guys should get hazard pay...

YAY!!! My new prosthesis came today and I am sooooo excited about that. Oh wait - I suppose I should mention that I am a below-knee amputee (BKA) on my right side. It happened in a house fire in 1974 (see my About Me section).

Anywho, I have had a horrible time with my prostheses (artificial legs) over the last 10+ years. They just didn't fit properly & I had an open area that developed on my knee that wouldn't heal. Whenever I'd go for a fitting or an adjustment I would explain my problem & promptly be told, "You can't feel that".

Ever have that experience? You go to a doctor & say, "Doc, my right finger hurts right here."

He says, "No you don't. You hurt here (pointing to your left elbow)."

Then he schedules you for surgery to "fix" your elbow and you go because, hey - he's got the degree, right? After surgery, your elbow heals but it's not quite right anymore and guess what? Your finger still hurts...Spread & repeat that over 12 years & 5 doctors & you've got my problem.
Well, by God's grace I found a guy (Matt Bulow - http://www.bulowbiotech.com/ check it out; he's awesome) that makes prosthetic devices & is an amputee himself. We loaded the kids in the car & trekked the 450 miles to see him. He listened, tinkered & made a great device which I received via UPS today. Now to the point of today's blog:

We're sitting around the table having lunch today. It's my husband (the wonderful Todd), my daughters (the ever-dramatic Kimber - 5 & chaos-in-a-tutu Emma - 3) and me. We were having corn dogs, but that's not the point. The dog, who's job it is to sit by the window and howl & bark out a warning whenever anything approaches the house, begins to "Grumpf!". My husband casually looks over his shoulder out the window & says, "UPS" as if that meant absolutely nothing.

I jumped up and hobbled to the door on my crutches as I had conveniently broken my current prosthesis 4 days ago. Now the dog, Daisy, usually just wants a scratch on the hindquarters & doesn't pose any real threat. Seeing my excitement as I open the door & throw myself at the UPS guy almost shouting, "Is that my leg?!!" she goes N-U-T-S.

Both kids have come to the door at this time, still in their pj's I might add, chomping on corn dogs. Daisy is growling, baring her teeth & yelping at this poor fellow as I continue to ask, almost threateningly, "IS that my LEG??!!!"

What a sight?!

By now, Mr. Brownshorts has barracaded himself behind the box he has put his life on the line to deliver & is using it as a shield to keep the dog from chewing on him like a corn dog. Not trying to be insensitive I say, "She won't hurt you - IS THAT MY LEG??!!"

In what I can only describe as a "concerned" voice, UPS man says, "You just get the dog inside & I'll set this inside the door."

Bless his heart! It then dawned on me that this poor unsuspecting fellow had just wanted to do his job & deliver a package. Instead he was met at the door by a one-legged woman on crutches, her 2 corndog chomping preschoolers & Cujo, only to find out that the package he was so carefully handling was in fact a replacement body part... yikes.

I think he should see his doctor for a check-up & cardiac screening. And then he should petition UPS to offer hazard pay for any driver that has to deliver to my address.

I wonder if I could get his address & send him a fruit basket...via UPS.

Dear Jesus, Thank you for the blessings you send right when I need them. And thank you so much for those by whom they come. Amen.

tap, tap, tap - Is this thing on?

Ok, this is my first experience with blogging. Please bear with me as I fumble my way through the ins & outs of the blogosphere.

Where to start? Where to start? I suppose a brief introduction to me & my reasons for creating this blog would be a pretty good place to start. Well, here goes the briefiest intro I can do:

I am a sort-of-stay-at-home Mom of 2 little girls. I say "sort of" because I'm not sure how one could call themselves "stay-at-home" when that is just about the last place one in that capacity ends up on a given day. Oh dear, 10 minutes into creating my first blog & I've already begun to spiral beyond the point. Ok, back on track - I've had an idea for writing a book entitled, To See His Face, for several years but since I lack the courage to actually put my stuff out there & get smacked with the unavoidable rejections that accompany first-time authors, I chose the weasel-weblog way out. Well, that & I haven't actually finished writing it...

Why is it named "To see His face"? My favorite Scripture is Revelation 22:4a, "And they shall see His face...". I can not imagine a more beautiful moment in my existence than the moment I see God. As any of my friends would agree, I am one flighty dame. In my profoundly inadequate human way, each day I try to be, live & love in such a way that when I do experience that moment, I will have a crown or 2 to cast at His feet. Sometimes I hit that stride where I can feel the rush of angels wings, but more times than not, my arrow falls way short of the mark & I'm left wondering why God would forgive me yet again as I stumble & fall, sometimes into the same snares He lifted me out of a day before. Then, I'm reminded that it isn't anything I earn. It's something I accept. Life isn't about me. It's about Him. Then I can get up one more time.

This is my humble attempt to honor His name and to search out His truth. So without further ado, I present to you, my blog. Please feel free to post questions or comments. I look forward to the journey with you.

Dear Jesus, I only want to honor you. Please bless the words of my lips & sacrifices of my praise to your glory. Amen.