I Hold On...

In the summer of 2002, I received the biggest blow to my emotional well-being that I have ever felt. It stung in the depths of my soul. It hurt...deeply. I still have not fully recovered from that moment in my life.

Recently I read something that was meant to bring healing & comfort, but to me it brought out anger, tears & pain. In response, I did what I always do. I wrote out my feelings on the matter. I was comforted by the motions of the act of writing it out, but God also used the words to heal a part of me that I could never reach. He is making me whole, again.

Betrayed. Bitterness hangs on that word like a veil of frustrated love. Why? Why did he turn away when I needed him to be strong? Why does everyone turn away from me?

"Read the blog & learn how to help a friend who’s grieving?" What about helping me? Where are my “friends”? Who will help me grieve? The same person that has helped me grieve every other loss…me…

I will not let this keep me from you, O God. I will not let this separate my heart from the root of my existence. You call to me & I run to You with feet that seem made of iron. The current of anger, bitterness, jealousy, loneliness, pulls me under time & time again & yet…I still hear your voice. Whenever my shattered heart breaks through to the surface once more, there is the Son. The buoy I use to navigate this raging water. I keep my ear turned to Your voice…and I hold on… With every thing that is in me… I hold on…