"I crawled across the desert
dragging my tiny cup.
If I had only known you
I'd have come running with a bucket."
Like this poem, the song "What Do I Know of Holy?" by Addison Road, makes me think, really think, about who exactly I think is listening to me when I pray...
This past Spring & Summer has been very trying for me, personally. In just 6 months I have had to handle an seemingly unending onslaught of physical pain, personal pain, 3 deaths, surgery that left my nerve asleep for up to 2 years and has rendered me more handicapped than I have ever been in my 37 years of being an amputee, and just. so. much. more...
I hate to admit this but I really, really wanted to just give up...twice. I prayed hard for God to just take me home and stop the pain...yet He didn't. I was angry, scared, hurting, but mostly I just wanted relief. I know & have always known that He has plans for me. Of these plans, I know not. That I am safe within them, I am certain. I just couldn't stand under the pressure of all this back-to-back-to-back-to-back. I couldn't catch my breath between gut punches.
I am ashamed of my prayers during these 2 low points, but I know they didn't surprise God. He held me close and loved me through them as He stood in the better tomorrows that have come & surely will come. He knows the balm my heart requires because He knit me together. Just in time, He sent the answers to my prayers. No it wasn't relief from the pain or an awakened nerve or anything like that, but it was just as miraculous.
I used to think I was strong, but I know differently now. I'm as weak as a kitten. Thankfully, in my weakness He is strong and He will never leave me nor forsake me. I'm learning to rest again in His more than capable hands.
I'm so glad I don't have to be "strong" or "tough" anymore. I wasn't very good at it anyway.
© 2011 Mary Hughes Walker
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