Is Mercy ever wasted?

Today started out poorly. I hadn't slept well the night before & had to get up earlier than I had wanted to in order to run an errand I should've already run, before I had to be at the church for the Prayer Breakfast. Then, beauty maintenance, grocery shopping, baking & icing the cupcakes & cake for Kimber's party - not to mention the filthy house that needed some attention...I was grumpy...and beat down from another week of failing to be the person, wife, mother, daughter, sister & friend I so wanted to be.

Then Dr. Jay Robertson spoke at our prayer breakfast. And something he said, set off the huge storm of pent-up emotions that had been boiling just underneath the surface, casting dark shadows over everything...even my prayer time. He said, "Christ's authority does not depend on who you are." Wow. I don't know why that spoke to me so powerfully but it was the last piece in the puzzle I needed to begin to see the picture that would one day be completed.

It's not about me. Funny, I had thought all my strivings had been for God's glory. In reality though, most were for my own glory, to be recognized by man. And when that didn't happen, I felt I had failed God and I should change something else about me. This cycle left me easily frustrated, critical, grumpy and down-right no-fun-to-be-around most of the time.

"If people don't like me, then how can God?" How many times did I repeat that to myself? So many I lose count. I was gauging my relationship with God on how other people, like my grandmother, my mother, my brother, responded to me. If I could just be what they need me to be then God could use me.

Today that argument shattered on the sanctuary floor in a pool of my own tears. Instead of relief, I was reminded instead of a promise I had made so many years ago, a vow I had made to God and had never fulfilled. I was mortified at the thought that I had kept God waiting on me while I tried to please these people, who are struggling themselves through their own trials. And when I came face-to-face with my own self-absorbed need to be heard and understood, I was sickened.

What do I have of value to say, but Christ and Him crucified? And who am I that people should listen except to hear His words? Why would He have spent so much time on me in such great and mighty ways, for me to wallow in my own self-pity?

So many missed opportunities.

So many misspent years.

So many wasted mercies.

Whatever I do from this day forward will be to take each step as God directs and fulfill that promise that He allowed me to make (because it was He who prompted me to make it). I don't know how, but I know I must.

It is His will. I am His child. And this is my worship.

35 years...wow...

May 8, 1974, an 18 month old girl child climbed onto a boat, pulling on a detached gas line for leverage. Gas ran onto the concrete slab floor & close enough to the gas operated hot-water heater that the flame ignited the fumes. Up went the frail wooden structure with its tiny treasure hidden inside.

The fire raged; everything in its path was consumed. The child screamed. Her father frantically chopped at the wall, stuck his hands into the blazing hole, called her name & held his breath. Somewhere from the depths, the girl child emerged. Her father grabbed her and she rested, no longer afraid.

Rushing from the yard, the man desperately clung to the child, not knowing what to do or where to go. A woman came to him and spoke, "I am a nurse. You have to pack her in ice or her body will explode." Reaching a neighbor's door, he begged for a tub and ice - lots of ice. The streets were lined with neighbors bringing their freezers' contents to the neighbor's yard to pour over the child as requested. The man turned to thank the woman that had spoken the instructions he needed to hear...but she was gone...and no one else had seen her...

At the hospital, a doctor spoke. "We'll keep her comfortable, Mr. Hughes, but she's burned too badly. I'm afraid there's no chance to save your daughter." But what do doctor's really know anyway?

May 8, 2009, the girl child, now a woman, sits at her computer, typing out this blog. She has had a day unremarkable to most but in her heart she has rejoiced. Woman, wife and mother, everything she was never supposed to be, she has become.

So many people have commented on how tough it must have been being burned or crippled. And yet, she knows the secret. The scars, the missing limb, the physical pain really were nothing. What would they say if they knew those scars saved her life? Those years in & out of the hospital were the best part of her young life and when they were gone, she was lost.

Though the years were not kind, scars, amputation, abuse and neglect, by God's sovereign grace...she still stands. As she tucks her own tiny girl children into bed, she brushes back a tear and her heart whispers, "Thank you, God. Thank you for the fire."

Enough.

I was driving to church this evening listening to some talk radio. The commentator was discussing all the perils of the current crises & those that will come unless the tide is changed...quickly. I was saddened by the state of my country & the careless indignity of my countrymen.

What have we become? Spoiled and arrogant children in need of a good spanking.

So many think our most pressing need seems to be free healthcare, more money in our pockets that we may or may not have worked to get and anything else the government is willing to give away. But it's not. We need Jesus...nothing more. The Bible tells us that He will supply all our needs.

The problem is deeper than what is left of my 401k. It goes to the heart of who I really am, first & foremost - a child of THE Living God. We are breaking - have broken, His heart and it should bother us.

His love is greater than any stimulus package and more complete than any government program.

Jesus is ... enough.

So the Sluggard Turns on Her Bed...

I love the early morning hours before the day kicks in to overdrive & strains my forward gears to their breaking point...but I am not a "morning person". Strange. I've always wanted to be. I just can't seem to follow through every morning the same. I get too tired by about the 3rd early morning that I just lay in bed sleepy-eyed until the first rays split through the blinds like a laser light show...and I've been known to watch that show all morning...

Well, I'm going to try to break from that old and unwelcome habit. I've always wanted to start my day before the world gets cranked up around here, so I've decided in my heart to take a cue from Nike & "just do it". Like most things in life, no one can do it for me. I just have to be...her comes THAT word...consistent.

That is my real problem. Consistency seems to be my downfall. I'm one of those "creative" types that loves change and gets rashy with routine. But I've found that is a fancy way to say, I'm lazy. Lazy, like a slug. Dragging my trail of inconsistency through the lives of my friends, family & various loved ones leaving only a mess behind me. Half-finished or barely begun projects, unreturned phone calls, unsent birthday cards...an unloving, ungodly mess.

See, what I've tried to mask as "creative impulses" was really just plain old inconsiderate-ness, laziness, inconsistency. Routines are established by God very early in the plan. Genesis 1:14, And God said, "Let there be lights in the expanse of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark seasons and days and years..." Every day is like the one before it. The years pass in the same way as before. Seasons change in the same slow, steady rhythm. So if God sets up consistency in the very beginning, before even man, who am I to consider myself "creative" when I ignore that simple principle? Do I really think I'm more creative than God?

So let today start a new chapter in my life. Let my words be reliable, my actions consistent & my heart dependable. May I be someone others can count on. Lord, help me...

I love Love

This evening, I spent a short amount of time with some friends celebrating the pending nuptials of two. What a great thing to love and to be loved.

Happy Valentine's Day to all. I hope you each have someone to love.

Ah, peace...

I missed a whole month! What have I been doing??

Well, we had 2 kindergarten parties to plan & execute, numerous crafts, shopping for crafts & Christmas preparations. I joined Facebook & that sucked 3/4 of my freetime...that site should be regulated by the FDA...

Anyway, here we are in 2009. Wow. That sounds so strange. 2009...It's like a fantasy year or something. It's almost unreal.

Many things come to mind as I sit & ponder a new year. Will my children get good teachers in the Fall? Will we sell our house? Will we find the right place to move if we can sell? Will the economy pick up long enough for us to snatch our savings from the hungry mouth of Socialism?

So many questions that we can't possible answer yet. And still we are pushed onward. Last year, 2008, was such a wonderful year of growth & discovery. My daughters outgrew diapers & pacifiers completely. My marriage moved into a new phase of comfort & security. My spiritual life reached a plateau of peace. I'm ok not being the god of my life. That's huge!

I seem to be resting in the afterglow of bliss after the passion of burning up all the pain of the past. I have dealt with, forgiven & moved on. I'm ready to live! I can breathe. I can stand & I can move deeper into God's will.

Thank you, Lord, for giving me the grace to relax in Your presence. Ah, peace. Sweet peace...

Fa, lala, la, la, lala, la, laaaaaaa...

Wow...It's the middle of December already...Where did this year go? Christmas parties to attend, gingerbread houses to make then eat, decorations to install, gifts to buy & receive, cards to send...Such a run-up to the New Year. It's quite exhausting, really.


Now is the time to break out in song while pushing your way through the hoard of anxious shoppers. What IS the "it" toy this year anyway? I don't have a clue so I'm sure my kids won't be getting it...the horror!


Oh well, at least they will have the love and adoration of their parents, grandparents and Aunt & Uncle.

Merry Christmas, ya'll.

Now, where's that Sweet-Potato Casserole??!

History is waiting in the wings...

I don't usually get "political". I'm not one to sit & debate policies for hours. But it's Sunday night, November 2, 2008. In a little more than 48 hours our nation will make a decision that will affect life as we know it in more ways than we can imagine. When the balloons have all dropped, the last ballot has been cast & the final confetti streams to the ground, we will either be poised to welcome the first black President or the first woman Vice-President. What a time to be alive!

God knows that this nation deserves judgment, but maybe He will be merciful & spare us once more "on behalf of the fifty".

I believe the "Cause Greater Than Ourselves" campaign represents the true heart of America. You may disagree with that and that is your right as an American. I'm going to volunteer my time & energy in the "battleground state" of Florida. I'm going to step out of my shelter & call folks that probably don't want to hear from me. But I'm going to do it because I think it's important to own my vote. It's necessary to sacrifice for freedom, no matter how small the contribution may seem.

I don't have a billion dollars to bankroll a campaign, heck I'll be scraping up the cash to put gas in the tank to get there & back. But I am going to give what I have for something I believe in. That's what makes America great. We, the people, give of ourselves for the "greater good" of our fellow Americans, even those with whom we have political differences.

So call the cell phone if you need me but please leave a message if I can't answer it. And when Tuesday gets here, by all means necessary...get out and VOTE!!!

Where have I been?

Oh my goodness! I have neglected you far too long. So many things have been going on in my life that I just pushe dyou right off the plate completely!

Let's see, I've pieced together some missing parts to my past that have helped me distinguish who I am. I have begun to develop a bridge of communication with my mother that I have always so desparately wanted to have. I have helped host a Grandparents' Tea for a group of 3 year olds. I've decorated 3 doors for Homecoming & caught a snake in the school bookstore!

In other news, we've mourned as a nation together another anniversary of the September 11th, attack. Sarah Palin has made history as the first woman on a national Republican ticket. Barack Obama has made history as the first African-American to win the Democratic National Convention's nomination for President. The national & world economy took a nosedive. Russia attacked Georgia unprovokedly & the world responded with sanctions and calls for immediate & unconditional withdrawal. My grandfather is back in the hospital again for pneumonia but is doing very well.

Wow. Life happens all the time, doesn't it? I'm so glad I'm here to see it all unfolding. Aren't you? Let's all bow our heads tonight in the midst of social unrest, political ambiguity & economic uncertainty & just thank God for the blessings we have.

"He is the same yesterday, today & forever." ~ Amen, and goodnight.

The Pinnacle of Motherhood

I did it! I have finally reached the top of the hill on the trek toward becoming the "Perfect Mom". I have accomplished something so extremely complex & delicate that I mystify myself...

I need to sit down...

I...can peel an apple in one long string!

See:

Please hold the applause.